Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Love and Marriage

Well, the Chainik Hocker is getting married. Poor bastard doesn't know what he's getting himself into! Just kidding. Marriage is a wonderful institution, to which I've been committed for more than four years.

His engagement inspires me to write about my gripes about being religious and married, and most specifically, hilchos niddah. This post is not for children.

My chosson teacher came highly recommended. In fact, he teaches boys from one of the most well-respected yeshivos in Brooklyn. However, when it came to the subject of sex, the man is obviously either an ignoramus or a nutjob.

"When you're about to have your orgasm, think of a pasuk (Biblical verse)."


Sure. And if I do that at just the right moment, I might get distracted from holding myself up and collapse onto my tiny wife. Yid's a big guy. Mrs. Yid isn't. Thinking of a pasuk would yield tragic results.

The second thing I recall that led me to question his sanity was when he said to me:

"Women don't even really enjoy sex. It just makes them messy."


Well, this one statement certainly did explain the utter lack of joy in his wife's eyes as she walked by the door. Some home life he must have. Ladies, is this true? You never enjoy sex? Just make you a wee bit messy, eh? Feh! If that's true, why is conjugal relations one of the three Biblical obligations a man has to his wife? Because women enjoy being messy?

Ah, but I digress.

or do I?

Yes, I suppose I do.

When my wife and I had been married around 15-18 months, Rabbi Hillel David (my level of pissed-off-ness leads me to an "I don't really care" attitude about the loshon hora here) was speaking to my wife on the phone about a niddah shailoh. My wife was curious about the reasoning to his p'sak, and David responded that he never explains niddah p'sak to women. That's fine by me. My wife was afraid she'd offended him, though, and apologized if she had. Rabbi David then told my wife to find another rav to talk to and promptly hung up on her.

Yes. Chew on that for a moment.

One of the most prominent rabbis in Flatbush actually was rude enough to hang up on my wife. She was so shaken by this she nearly cried.

So, now we take all of our niddah shailos to Rabbi Yosef Veiner, a man who always gives my wife the time she needs, and never hangs up on her.

Interesting way of classifying the quality of a rav, no? "He doesn't hang up on my wife! How about that!"

When my first child was born, before Hillel David revealed himself for the monster that he is (although I already had issues with him for the way he would scold and embarrass people in public) my wife and I consulted with him for choices in birth control. The pill is not an option for us due to health considerations. My wife's health is a complicated issue. The rav gave the option of using the IUD. He said nothing about what life would be like with it, however.

Life with an IUD is living hell.

Any rav who gives a heter for an IUD without warning of the ramifications deserves to be shot. IUD's make women bleed. A lot. From the point that a woman starts her period to when she goes to the mikveh is a minimum of twelve days. The IUD turned that 12 into.... let's just say longer than 12 days, and we were given no advance warning. We would have taken it anyway, but to endure that hardship when any rav would either have to know this in advance or be brain dead is absolutely appalling.

And what do you do when your wife is due to go to the mikveh, there's a niddah shailoh, and you can't get hold of a rav? You go to bed thinking of what might have been, angry at the Jewish world, like I am most of the time now, anyhow.

This was my rant. I hope it made sense.

To the Chainik Hocker, I wish you all the happiness in the world. Perhaps you'll be spared some of the insanity I've had to go through during my marriage, but don't think for a moment that I'd rather be single.